Many times, life seems unfair. But it's a bit over the top to say that
nothing is fair. To be more accurate, the thought should be stated: Nothing is
guaranteed to be fair. There are no guarantees of fair treatment, just actions, or level playing fields. Does that sound surprising? Kind of bruises the psyche a little, doesn't it? In some ways, it seems counter to what we consider the American way of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
Yet it is true. Nothing really is guaranteed to be fair; and the sooner we recognize that, the sooner we are freed up to stop being angry about things that don't work out the way that we expect or want them to. People can be rude; bosses can be unreasonable; friends and family members misunderstand us sometimes. Kids become ill right before (or on) vacations, and weather can delay or cancel our travel plans. Cars break down; buses, trains and planes don't always run on schedule.
But you know what? It's okay. Our plans and expectations may be ruined and lying in pieces on the floor, but we must come to grips with the fact that those expectations and plans were merely phantoms of our imagination; they don't really exist anywhere except in out own mind. Pick up the pieces (or leave them there) and move on.
The problems come in when we think of our plans as absolutely unchangeable, and then we run into some unexpected event that pulls things in a completely different direction. Seriously, what can you do about some of these things? Most of these things are unavoidable probabilities that could very well happen at any time. Heck, even with the proper maintenance and attention, things can still go wrong with your vehicle, or just as easily with relationships around you. You just never know. The best we can hope for is to think through and plan for most eventualities, and then hope for the best.
If you are really honest, you'll have to admit that every day unexpected things happen. And if that's true, and those things run counter to your best-laid plans, then those things have the potential to seem unfair to you. But if something is “unfair,” then that implies something or someone had the ability to keep the “unfair” thing from happening, and our frustration then gets directed accordingly. If it's not okay with you when you appear to be treated unfairly, then you're going to have issues.
The challenge before us is to continue to hone our goals and expectations until they are in more alignment with reality, and this is a tough process because it can only be done in the context of trial and error. It's called life experience. We have to be mature enough to allow ourselves to make mistakes and also flexible enough to allow for the unexpected.
But this skill (and it is a learned skill) runs absolutely contrary to the gremlin in our nature which prefers things to be stable and predictable. We covet stability in the workplace, in spousal relationships, in relationships and traditions with friends and family, in long-term financial security. Guess what? Not one of these things is ever guaranteed to us, but it should be that very fact that drives us to perfect as much as possible the process of trimming back our unreasonable expectations and false ideas of fairness so that we can function responsibly and effectively in society.
The danger before us is this: if we swing toward the other end of the spectrum and begin to think of
everything as unfair, then there is no hope whatsoever of stability or security. This can be, at best, self-defeating and unproductive, and corrupting and lethal at its worst. This type of toxic thinking has the opposite effect of removing any sense of drive or purpose, because any chance of hope has been removed.
We must remember to balance all things responsibly. Can life be unfair? Yes. Can life be surprising and wonderful? Yes. How we chart our course between these two extremes can determine a life lived in fear, or in wonder and awe at the unexpected.
Want to make your life a whole lot easier? Then understand this: none have us have ever been guaranteed a perfect life that is always fair. If you have been promised a perfect life, please let me know who promised it to you, so I can get that promise, too - but only if they can really deliver it to me. Otherwise, that would just be another broken promise, and that would be... well, that would be unfair, wouldn't it?
